It’s the elephant in the room for too many military families — post-traumatic stress.
It doesn’t affect just the individual. It affects entire families. In heartbreaking ways, it can change relationships with family members who may not understand the changed behaviors that are manifesting, particularly children, who often have minimal insight into or understanding of the combat experience.
Could it help for veterans or service members to talk to their children about the situation? Possibly. And a good tool to start that process is “A Veteran’s Guide to Talking With Kids About PTSD,” a new, online guide from the Veterans Affairs Department’s South Central Mental Illness Research, Education and Clinical Center.
The 24-page guide provides examples of situations with parents, and spurs parents to think about aspects of their relationship with their children. The guide, written by Michelle Sherman, a clinical psychologist who worked for the VA for 18 years, and four other professionals, can be helpful for active-duty, National Guard and reserve families — not least because veterans provided information and feedback on the content.
The guide, available for download, describes how PTS can affect families. For example, everything goes smoothly some days, but other days may be difficult, when a parent feels overwhelmed by basic tasks of caring for his child.
It helps veterans explore the pros and cons of talking to their child about PTS — whether it’s the right choice for them, and how to prepare for these conversations.
One important point the authors make is that you don’t need to tell your children the details about the trauma you experienced in order to talk to them about how you’re doing now. You can explain that you had an upsetting experience in Afghanistan, for example, but you don’t need to share the details. Tell them that it still bothers you, and describe some of the problems you manage as a result of that PTS, such as getting angry quickly and snapping at loved ones, even when they may not have done anything wrong.Let your children know your feelings about how your PTS is affecting them, and that you’re aware of how it affects everyone in the family. But also let your children know that you and your family will work together to manage it.
The authors advise comparing managing PTS to other health problems; let children know that there are doctors and counselors who can help. Emphasize you’re getting treatment, and that while it’s taking time to heal, you are getting better.
What if you feel yourself getting upset during such a discussion, or if your children get upset? The authors provide some advice. They also caution that sometimes simply seeing or hearing your child cry may remind you of your trauma, act as a trigger, and provide some strategies.
Encourage your children to express their thoughts and feelings, and listen to them. And above all, emphasize to them that they are in no way to blame for your PTS.
As one Afghanistan veteran told the researchers: “It really isn’t them. … This is me dealing with my time at war. ‘Hey, it’s not you guys, it’s my PTSD.’”
